Making the Fake House

Would you even bother making the Fake House if your hallway looked like this? I didn't think so.

We made the “Fake House” today for the eighteen billionth time in Calandro Clan history. You know the Fake House. It’s what my house looks like when I know you’re coming. It’s when I shove stuff in closets and vacuum really fast and then walk around really quickly after I’m done so you don’t see the vacuum tracks on the floor. It’s when I frantically erase the lines M3 has drawn in the dust on my dining room table so you only see the wood and not the quarter-inch layer of gunk that usually lives there.

That’s the Fake House and I’ll create it for you, to different degrees, depending on how much lead time you give me. If you’re staying overnight, I’ll give you clean towels in the guest room tied up with a satin ribbon and clean sheets on the bed. This is a sickness. I know.

"Mind if I use your bathroom?" Ummmm. How should I answer that?

Well, we made the Fake House again tonight. But this time there’s a hitch in the giddy-up. This time we have massive plastic sheeting closing off our bedroom from the rest of our house because our master bathroom in torn down to the studs. Creating the Fake House when, clearly, we are living in a construction zone, is absurd. (Please refer to the  previous papagraph in this post.)

We created the Fake House for two reasons today:

1: The local news team is coming in here to shoot a morning show advertisement. (I need lessons in saying no. I’m aware of this. We said yes as a favor for a friend. Because the Calandro Clan is incredibly great at giving away content for free. Train wreck. I know. Naive as well. Yep.)

2. A friend of mine is visiting from out of town and he’s a genius architect. We were friends in college and he lives in his gorgeous, custom-designed home in Del Mar that he created himself. (And I live in a crazy, 80’s, high-ceiling, totally devoid of any molding and style, small-kitchen-bathroom-tract house. I love our view and neighborhood. Something had to give.) This guy is one of the most talented artists/people I’ve ever known and he’s coming to my house with his amazing, beautiful family. This turns the Fake House in the FAKE HOUSE in all caps.

So there you have it. Philanthropy goes out the window when I’m faced with trying to impress a long-time college friend and a news crew with a video camera.



Comment (1)

  1. Sebastian

    The answer to the toilet question is “Not if you finish it while you’re in there.” He’s an architect after all…


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