I’m Back, and I’ve Got Something To Say (Shocker, I know.)

Here's my favorite photo of me and my Dad. You can't tell, but his hair was red, just like mine.

I lost my blogging mojo. Big time. Posts rattled around in my head every day for the past three months, but I never found the time to put them here. I like the saying, “What you resist, persists.” Well, this blog is persistent. I kept pushing it aside, writing for Mom Central, spending the summer with the boys, travelling, working on our house, and avoiding things here.

But this blog persisted in working into my brain. Ideas for blog posts wouldn’t go away.

There’s so many reasons why I lost my mojo. Here are some of them:

I hate how this blog looks. I call myself an artist, but don’t have any skills in blog design. I need to hire someone to create the things I want for this space, but that takes money, money I don’t want to spend that way right now. So I’m avoiding being here.

I don’t like to hang out in a place that’s unattractive. You probably don’t either -if you’re reading this right now -bless you for ignoring the ugliness around this space and focusing on my words.

Most of all, I felt ashamed of dropping the ball on my Pledge-A-Post idea. It was all coming together. I hit the $100 dollar mark of pledge money and passed it -I even got a check for my birthday to match the funds that I pledge here -I know! Awesome, right? -and a friend offered her help and knowledge to make my idea grow.

Actually, I didn’t just drop the ball on this blog. I drop-kicked the ball off a cliff and watched it bounce down into an abyss for months.

I hate when I behave this way.

But as I said earlier, what I resist, persists. Too many things came together lately to push me to write here again. I traveled to San Francisco last weekend with Stacy DeBroff. She is my boss, but most importantly, she’s my friend. We hung out, ate amazing food and had a blast. This woman has taught me so much and given me a job and career I adore. She consistently rocks my world and I can’t imagine my life without her.

Another woman I admire and adore, Sarah Browne, met up with us to spend the afternoon as we explored The City. (That’s what we called it growing up, it will always be The City to me.) Spending time with the two of these ladies made me smile so much I grinned like a goon all day long.

The one place I desperately wanted to share with Stacy and Sarah was the Buena Vista near Ghirardelli Square. My Dad used to hang out here and told me stories of all the trouble he used to cause at this famous bar.

See that smile? Like I said, grinning like a goon. But I don't care. I loved this!

The BV (as we call it in my family) is famous for their Irish Coffee. To see them prepared here is unforgettable and they taste fantastic. We ordered a round and I took photos. And I held back tears as I sat with these two women I admire.

I wished my Dad could have been sitting with us. He would have absolutely adored these smart, powerful, dynamic women as much as I do -or maybe more. My Dad loved success stories and loved smart entrepreneurs.

I miss him.

This week is National Suicide Prevention Week. I shared coffee with two of my favorite women at a favorite hang-out of my Dad’s the weekend before our nation proclaims a unified effort to stop people like my Dad from doing what he did. And my Dad would have had a blast with us if he was still alive today. That seemed strangely coincidental.

But wait, there’s more.

Through my job at Mom Central, I met an inspirational blogger named Cristi Comes. Her blog, motherhoodunadorned.com, was created when a friend of hers committed suicide. She started the blog to help others and stop the silence surrounding suicide. Her blog is a powerful collection of honesty and proclamation. She wants survivors to have a voice and not feel alone when dealing with loss due to suicide.

She inspires me to get my rear in gear with this blog and make it the place I want it to be.

She asked me to write a guest post for her during this specific week, and then I ended up at the BV the weekend before she needed the post, and then Sarah told me about Trey Pennington’s death this week. Alright, I may need to be hit over the head with a hammer, but I get it. I need to give this blog some attention.

So here I am again. So what if three people read this blog and it needs the equivalent of Yard Crashers for blogs. (Did you hear that, blog designers?!? That idea is golden! Go ahead and steal it because, clearly, I can’t make it happen, or this blog wouldn’t look like this!) Signs are telling me I need to be here and keep doing this.

If you are a person who has survived a suicide, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry for mine as well. I wish the circumstances about my Dad were different, but I can’t change that. I can only change what I do about it from now on.

So now I write. I pledge ten more dollars to my Pledge-A-Post, taking the total to $130. I talk about what happened with my Dad so others don’t feel alone. And maybe someone will realize life is much better with them than without them after reading my words.

If you are considering suicide, get the help you need and deserve. You are worth it and you will be missed, no matter what you think. Blessings to you and yours.


Comments (9)

  1. Pingback: I Don’t Have Answers, I Just Know How It Feels | Motherhood Unadorned

  2. cristi comes

    Eileen, you are fabulous. I love that you got to share your city and remember your dad. I’m so so sorry for the loss of him, and I wish you nothing but joy and healing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story on my blog. Love you!

  3. Frelle

    Im glad you’re blogging again. And Im glad you have had a wonderful summer and some awesome trips. And Im sorry you are missing your dad and hurting.

    Also? I love you. Just the way you are, and life and lack of inspiration get in the way sometimes. Be gentle with yourself. :)

  4. Julia

    So glad to see you blogging in this space again!

  5. MommaKiss

    been wondering about you – first this artist thing? I’m sure you ARE an incredible artist. doesn’t mean you can do blog design. they’re different, no? I leave it to the blog pros ;)

    second – welcome back. Whenever you post, “they will come”

  6. Cindy - heathers buddy

    Yaaay! Ur blogging again. I’m ur #4 reader too! I’m sure u hv way more blog stalkers than u know so keep it up! I enjoy reading whatever u write about. U hv a way with wrds. I’m so sry to hear about ur papa but glad u hv 21 Years of great memories of him. Thx for sharing somethg so deep and close to ur heart!

  7. maggie b.

    Welcome back.
    Hugs and love to you.
    Your dad would be mighty proud.

  8. Christy

    Eileen, I stumbled on your post today via Cristi’s blog. I don’t tweet a lot, but when I’m at the computer I often check in to twitter and read the feed. Cristi is prolific – such a dynamo! – and so I went to check out her blog. As I scanned the line of articles, your name popped up – and I read the guest post about your dad. What a tough thing to have to endure, not just then, but now. My husband lost his mom when he was young – not to suicide, but cancer, and the anniversary of her death is something we always mark. I’ve lost friends to suicide. But I cannot imagine the grief of losing a parent. Thank you for having the courage and strength to share your story, and the resiliency to be the woman you are today. An amazing wife, mother and role model. Thinking of you and sending friendship and love. Christy

    1. Eileen (Post author)

      Thank you so much for this Christy. I feel so connected to all of our Grants Program winners (including you, of course!) and Cristi’s purpose was extremely meaningful for me. When she won and I got to make the notification phone calls that day, I shared with her about my Dad. I had kept this to myself during the selection process, but since it was over, I felt I could share my story. It was quite an emotional phone call, as you can imagine! Since then I’ve watched Cristi blog and admire her drive to make a difference in honor of her friend. She is such an inspiration to me!
      I’m sorry I didn’t see this comment until today -I have no idea what happened there. :( I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s Mom -losing a parent is never easy and the suffering due to illness is difficult to endure and witness. Thank you for reaching out your kind words ~ I hope you’re well. I think of all our Grant Winners often and appreciate you taking the time to comment here. Virtual xoxo to you, Christy!


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